70 Chuck Norris Jokes, Puns and One-liners to Crack You Up 😀

Are you looking to add a little lightheartedness and laughter to your day? Look no further than these 70 hilarious Chuck Norris jokes and puns! 

From one liners to clever puns, these funny Chuck Norris jokes are sure to get a chuckle from everyone.

Regardless of your age or sense of humor, these funny Chuck Norris jokes will surely get everyone giggling. So why not pass some time with these hilarious Chuck Norris jokes and puns?

Let’s get started!

Chuck Norris Jokes

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.
2. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
3. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
5. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
7. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
8. Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
9. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when he eats food. The food knows when to enter his bloodstream.
11. Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
12. Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
13. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
14. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris Jokes for Kids

1. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
2. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
3. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it.
5. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
6. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
7. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to breathe. Air enters his lungs out of fear.
9. Chuck Norris can cure cancer with his first punch.
10. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
11. Chuck Norris can make a snow angel on a concrete pavement.
12. Chuck Norris doesn’t do sit-ups. He does gravity reversals.
13. Chuck Norris can speak French in Russian.
14. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

1. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
2. Chuck Norris can dig to China from the United States.
3. Chuck Norris once got bitten by a venomous cobra. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a seatbelt. He holds the car down with his grip.
5. Chuck Norris can cure hiccups by scaring himself.
6. Chuck Norris can write a novel in a flash of a second.
7. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
8. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
9. Chuck Norris’s tears can cure diseases, too bad he never cries.
10. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
11. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the world down.
12. Chuck Norris can light a fire by staring at wood.
13. Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
14. Chuck Norris can catch a bullet with his teeth and eat it.

Chuck Norris Jokes One-liners

1. Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris can solve a Rubik’s Cube in one move.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a spoon to eat his soup. He uses a fork.
4. Chuck Norris can strum a guitar without actually touching the strings.
5. When Chuck Norris goes fishing, the fish jump into his boat out of fear.
6. Chuck Norris can win a staring contest against the sun.
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He does Earth-downs.
8. Chuck Norris can make a diamond by squeezing coal in his hand.
9. Chuck Norris can find the needle in the haystack and the haystack in the needle.
10. Chuck Norris can speak braille in sign language.
11. Chuck Norris can dry his hair underwater.
12. Chuck Norris can make a snake speak Parseltongue.
13. Chuck Norris can kill two birds with one stone, and then bring the stone back to life.
14. Chuck Norris can beat Superman in an arm-wrestling match.

Chuck Norris Jokes and Puns

1. Chuck Norris can kill someone with a thought, but he prefers to use his fists.
2. Chuck Norris can play Jenga with boulders.
3. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
4. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.
5. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door shut.
6. Chuck Norris can climb Mount Everest with one hand tied behind his back.
7. When Chuck Norris jumps in a swimming pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of sand.
9. Chuck Norris can divide by zero and get a real number.
10. Chuck Norris can make a cat bark and a dog meow.
11. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in one move.
13. Chuck Norris can speak every language, including those that haven’t been invented yet.
14. Chuck Norris can make a rock scream.

 

Final Take Away from these Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

The above 70 hilarious Chuck Norris jokes and puns are sure to make any gathering of friends, family members, or colleagues erupt with laughter.

I am sure these jokes and puns must have lightened your mood and also have brought some humor to your life.

Also don’t forget to check our other list of jokes.